Hey everyone, thanks for stoping by, today we’re sharing with you a recent “interview” with the Ro-Mac (Rory McIlroy) and the Woz-Nak (his missus, who demanded we interview her too). It was a strange interview. So strange, in fact, that we thought we’d transcribe the entire interview here:
SS: SirShanksalot is delighted to have the opportunity to interview Rory McIlroy this week. He should be here any minute.
(5 minutes later)
SS: Any minute now.
(15 minutes later)
SS: Any minute. Oh….
RO-MAC: Sorry, I’m late. The traffic was terrible.
SS: I can’t imagine why. It’s Sunday.
RO-MAC: Yeah…well, we had trouble finding the place.
SS: I thought our driver brought you?
RO-MAC: Yeah, well, he must have gotten lost.
SS: (Shouts to Jack, the Driver) Jack, is this true? Did you get lost?
DRIVER JACK: No! Caroline demanded we stop for KFC.
RO-MAC: That’s not true.
ENTER THE WOZ-NAK.
WOZ-NAK: Rory, did you eat the last piece of the bucket? I wanted that!
RO-MAC: OK, so maybe we had KFC. But there’s a perfectly good explanation….
SS: Look, it’s fine. Can we just move on with the interview?
RO-MAC leans over to WOZ-NAK who whispers in his ear. Rory nods at me.
RO-MAC: Yes, Caroline says it’s fine. Proceed.
SS: OK. So, how’s the tooth?
RO-MAC: What tooth?
WOZ-NAK punches RO-MAC’S leg and winks at him.
WOZ-NAK: You know, Rory. The “tooth”?
WOZ-NAK wiggles her fingers to indicate air quotes around “tooth”.
RO-MAC: Oooooooooh, the “tooth”! It’s fine.
SS: So, are you having it taken out?
They look at each other in panic.
SS: I see. When?
RO-MAC: May….be August.
SS: Right. So, how are you finding the new Nike clubs?
RO-MAC: Oh, they’re “fine”
RO-MAC wiggle his fingers to indicate air quotes.
SS: I’m sorry, why did you just do air quotes around “fine”?
RO-MAC: Oh, you know. The clubs are “fine”.
RO-MAC winks at me.
SS: Am I to understand from the winking and wiggling of fingers that the clubs are anything but fine?
RO-MAC: Officially, they’re fine. Unofficially, they’re crap. But please don’t print that.
SS winks at RO-MAC and does airquotes.
SS: Don’t worry, I “won’t”
RO-MAC: Thanks buddy!
SS: So, what’s all this about problems with your swing?
RO-MAC: Oh, it’s just awful.
WOZ-NAK: Oh, don’t say that, Snookums. You have the cutest little swing in all the World?
RO-MAC: Oh, thank you, Purty-Pie!
RO-MAC and WOZ-NAK kiss. The kissing goes on for quite some time and both SS and DRIVER JACK are very uncomfortable. We leave to give them some privacy and return when passions have cooled.
SS: OK, so…can we continue?
RO-MAC: Please do.
SS: Jack Nicklaus said recently that your swing is not an issue. The real issue is your attitude.
RO-MAC picks up his stools and throws it at DRIVER JACK.
RO-MAC: How can you say that about me, man? I thought we bonded at KFC!?
SS: He didn’t say it? Jack Nicklaus did.
RO-MAC: Who’s he?
SS: Jack Nicklaus. The golfer. Winner of 19 Majors.
RO-MAC eventually pretends to know who Jack Nicklaus is.
RO-MAC: Ooooooh, him. Well, I don’t have a bad attitude.
DRIVER JACK: You threw a stool at me.
RO-MAC: Yeah, well…I don’t react well to things not going my way.
SS: Isn’t that what a bad attitude is?
RO-MAC: Yeah, well, my attitude is only bad because…I think I ate too much KFC.
WOZ-NAK: Yeah, we had too much KFC.
SS: That’s a really bad excuse.
RO-MAC starts to cry. WOZ-NAK holds him in her large arms.
RO-MAC: (crying) Yeah, well, I wasn’t hugged enough as a child!
WOZ-NAK: Shhh, Rory. I’ll hug you lots now! He’s had enough. Ask me a question now.
SS: Ok. What do you say to the newspaper headline that claimed you and Rory are ruining each other’s careers?
WOZ-NAK picks up her stool. SS woke up in hospital.